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Jada Pinkett started her Red Table Talk series with a special guest, her husband's ex-wife, and they discussed their blended family. They didn't try to make the story all glitz and glamour. They discussed the beginning, the turning point and the actions they took to make the blend work.
Mashonda, Swizz Beatz ex-wife, has written a book on her experience with him and Alicia Keys to make their blend work. Just recently, Neo's ex-wife, Monyetta Shaw, invited his new wife to their son's school to surprise him for his birthday. Their son was overjoyed to see his "bonus Mom" there. Of course, with these stories being shared on social media and through other media outlets, there has been a lot of talk about the need for ALL families where stepchildren exist, to blend. As a person who is a true BONUS MOM to my oldest son, I can truly see the importance of building that relationship with the child. No matter your opinion or feelings of their biological parent, the love for that child is immeasurable. Yet, my experience as a bonus mom did not include blending the family with his birth mom. She was absent and it probably made the process easier for me - yet still painful for him. I have never been able to explain her absence to him. I have never been able to justify her absence mentally. But, while he lived under my roof, I made sure not to bash her. When he had his moments, when he questioned her absence - I would tell him, she LOVES you, everybody just doesn't express their love the same way. His Dad and I would tell him the same story about his mom protecting him when he was a baby. She tripped down a flight of steps with him in her arms and she made sure to sacrifice her body to protect him. She was somehow able to turn in mid-air landing on her back and he never touched the ground. That story (which I first heard from his Dad) and happily repeated to him, would somehow make things better in his moments of doubt. He is an adult now. He and his birth mom has been able to build some type of relationship, which I do not question him about or give my unsolicited opinion to him. Their relationship does not impact my bond with him and he will always recognize me as his (bonus) Mom. I love him wholeheartedly. NOW, let's get back to this blended family thing where these families are taking vacations together, spending holidays together and spending other considerable time together. Yes, I can see the LOVE it shows to the kid. Yes, I understand that my spouses' kid(s) deserve love, attention and time - just as much as my kids. Yes, I know my spouse probably can't spend as much time with his kid(s) as the mom when he is not the custodial parent. Yes, he would like to spend more time with his kids. BUT, I do not agree that a blended family is necessary or even achievable in all situations where stepchildren exist. Blended families can only work when all adults have a healthy relationship. There can't be any malice, deceit or manipulation going on. I am one who does not allow negative energy in my space. Let's face it, Oil CAN NOT blend with water. Never have and never will. KUDOS to those who can achieve this blend for the sake of the kids. For those who aspire to blend your families, keep in mind your blend doesn't have to look exactly like Will's and Jada's or the other celebrities listed. You do not have to go on vacations together and spend holidays together. Don't let the pressures of society or the desire to meet other people's relationship goals - force you into something your heart and mind truly can't handle. You can only fake the love for so long. For those who can not achieve the blend or have no desire to blend your family - you are fine. Everyone isn't "blendable". No matter where you stand: Your family dynamic is yours. You and your spouse should be on one accord on how you handle these situations. Your decision to blend or not to blend doesn't give you any more or less "brownie points".
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AuthorThe author of this blog decided to take her "abnormal" thoughts and opinions to the web. This will begin as a 30 day trial. Let's see where it goes. Archives
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