This Site is Dedicated to My Random Thoughts and Opinion
Reader Be Warned: My Opinion is NOT the "norm"
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![]() With the rise of social media, the ability to communicate with people in mass emerged. Now when someone completes a goal, accomplishes something, or has a hardship – they can update their friends, family, and other followers via one post. And all of those followers have the ability to like, comment and share the post with others on their friends’ list. At times, there are those who praise you for your accomplishments, while some may even criticize or question your accomplishments. I’ve noticed that most people tend to focus on the critiques and questions more than they do the praises. They tend to feed into the negative responses, more than the positive ones. They will then react to the negativity by bringing more attention to it – via a new post or comment. They may even go live to verbally address the negativity. All while saying, they are “unbothered.” Which couldn’t be further from the truth. The fact that they acknowledge and responded is proof that they are indeed bothered. Instead of focusing on the positive feedback and being uplifted by it – they will allow negative feedback to infiltrate their energy and mind. They can receive 100s of praises, with only one negative response. They will still concentrate and be BOTHERED by that one.
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I immediately called Shelia again. She didn’t answer again. I sent her another text “Hey there! I hope all is well with you, I look forward to connecting with you soon. Please give me a call when you’re available.” I even sent her an email to her personal email address. None of my communications to Shelia were answered. At that point, I realized that Shelia had no intention or interest in responding to me. But I was confused at what brought this about. I sent a copy of the LOR to her when I received the email from Hailey’s company requesting it. The LOR was one I had written and was approved by Shelia in the past. I simply changed the date and the header information. Shelia had to have known the LOR was sent and received, because Hailey kept me up to date on my profile. I was sure the other recruiter did the same with Shelia.
I stopped thinking about Shelia and the unknown reason for her lack of response. I needed to prepare for the three upcoming interviews. One interview was with the direct manager for the position. The second interview was with the team members. And the final interview was with the head of the department, the Chief Information Officer. My interviews were scheduled for the start of the following week. I had one business day and the weekend to prepare. It was time for me to focus. I wanted to present the best version of myself for each of these interviews. The following Monday, I completed interview #1. It went really smoothly. The second interview, with the team members, was a bit more rigorous. Some of their questions were probing and inquisitive. The final interview was scheduled for Wednesday. It was GREAT! The CIO conducted the meeting from his home office. We talked more about his kids who were preparing for college than we did about interview questions. Nevertheless, I felt confident that I aced that interview as well. Hailey had already prepared me to not expect an update from her until the week that followed the last interview. So, after the interview ended, I didn’t think about any of it anymore. No more being nervous nor a need to prepare for anything. No more stress of being a good fit for the position. No more uncertainty about what they may ask. I was good with going back to my norm. That Friday, my husband and I planned a date night at home. When he came home from work that evening, he asked had I heard anything about the position. I reminded him that Hailey wouldn’t be calling me before Monday of next week. He said he just thought he’d check in case she decided to call sooner. We talked about how stressed I had been earlier that week, and he was happy I was now at ease. He wanted me to de-stress a bit and I wanted to just stay home and spend time with him. I called in a food order, and he agreed to pick it up. When he left to get the food, it was shortly after 5pm. I was excited because we were about to eat a good tasting meal. I also planned to have a couple of drinks to start my weekend. I finished my last email and closed my laptop. Then, my phone rings. The number is NOT a familiar one. I thought it could possibly be the place we ordered the food from, so I answered. I heard an unfamiliar yet pleasant voice call my name. I answer with a slight tremble in my voice., “Yes.” The voice on the phone responds “This is Ms. ______, the HR manager at ______. I know it’s after hours but it’s important that I make this call today. We are calling to offer you the position with your starting salary of $X per year.” I nervously respond “Okay.” I was shocked and overwhelmed at the same time. I couldn’t hide my emotions. Not even over the phone. The HR manager continued “It that a, yes?” I responded, “Of course! That’s an absolute positive YES! Ms. ______ thank you so much. You just made my day and my weekend.” She replies “Well, I am glad I called, late and all. You have a great weekend, and we look forward to you starting on June 1st. I am sending your official offer by email, now.” When we ended the call, I was stuck in my seat for a moment or maybe even three. Finally, I let out a scream and jumped from my chair. I ran around my house praising God and crying. Shortly after, my husband walked through the door. He took one look at me and said, “You got the call, didn’t you?” I exclaimed “YES! And baby, you won’t believe what they offered me.” I then opened my email and showed him my OFFICIAL OFFER LETTER! We celebrated in more ways than one 😊 The following Monday, Hailey called me to congratulate me on being offered the position. She stated the employer wanted to make the call to me themselves. She was happy for me and stated her firm was pleased to have worked with me. She asked if I’d be willing to participate in their company’s future events. Especially those related to interviewing and networking. Of course, I agreed to do so. Now, it was time for me to give my current employer my letter of resignation and to prepare for a new beginning. As I was drafting my resignation letter, my phone rang. The name on the screen read Shelia Jones. I looked at my phone in sheer disbelief. Shelia finally returned my call. I initially picked up the phone to answer it. Then I dropped it. I quickly remembered Shelia had not responded to none of my communication over the past two weeks. I called twice, I texted her twice and I even emailed her. Not only did I want to share my excitement for both of us being chosen to interview for the position. I also wanted to let her know that I had provided her with a LOR for the same position. I wasn’t sure who the third interviewee was, but I definitely wanted Shelia or myself to get the position. I wanted one of us to win. I also wanted to SHARE my well wishes with her. I needed to hear from Shelia too. I needed her to motivate me like I had motivated her for all the other positions she had applied for in the past. But Shelia wouldn’t respond. Here I was thinking we had built a solid, working relationship. We were rooting for each other. We both wanted to see the other grow. I just knew she was rooting for me as much as I was rooting for her. Afterall, she was the first person I knew professionally who would openly say she wanted to see other Black women win! Needless to say, I didn’t answer nor return Shelia’s call. She even texted me the next day. That went unanswered as well. We haven’t talked since. In the end, Shelia taught me several lessons. And the last lesson was some people will root for you until they think you are their competition. At this time, I was in my third position (two different employers) since leaving the program manager position. I was still trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to do. I knew for sure I wanted to use technology tools and provide training. The current position I was in allowed just that but in a somewhat limited capacity. I only managed one tech tool and assisted with some others. However, the position paid decently. I worked 8-4:30 and I did not have to manage anyone. I have been in this position for a year and a half now. I was content and planned to stick with this position for 5 years or more. I have taken on several positions since leaving corporate America and moving into the higher education sector. At this point, I wanted to just focus on longevity at one institution. My mind was made up, or so I thought.
One day, I was working remotely when I received a call. I didn’t recognize the number and was hesitant to answer. But I answered anyway. I hesitantly answered the phone with a simple “Hello?” The person said my name. Her voice was unfamiliar, yet I still responded “Yes.” She then introduced herself and told me she was with a recruitment firm and found my resume on a hiring site. She said the resume was uploaded a few years ago so she wanted to contact me to see if I was currently working and if I had an updated resume. I asked could I call her back and she responded “Sure.” (Let’s refer to the recruiter as Hailey.) After ending the call with Hailey, I did some research. I reverse-traced the number and it appeared to be for the company she mentioned. I also looked her up on LinkedIn and confirmed she worked there. I then found my updated resume and returned Hailey’s call. She described the position for me in more detail and asked for my updated resume. I emailed it to her while we were on the call, and we discussed it. She said she thought I was a great match for the position; but warned me that the potential employer was very particular about the skills and experience the person had to have for this position. With my permission, she sent my information over to the employer. The very next day Hailey returned my call with so much excitement and enthusiasm in her voice. She was told all the great news including the fact I was selected by the employer as a person they would like to interview. She shared that she and another recruiter at her firm were working together to fill this position because it was so challenging. She also shared with me that there were two other candidates selected for interviews. She mentioned that I may know one of the other two candidates. The person’s name is Shelia Jones. Hailey mentioned she only shared Shelia’s name with me because I was listed as one of her recommenders in their system. This wasn’t surprising to me, because as I mentioned, I had provided Shelia with several LORs in the past. Hailey said in all the years she worked as a recruiter; this had never happened before. Two applicants selected by the same employer for an interview for that same position, who had a prior work relationship – was new for her. I then told Hailey that not only was I Shelia’s manager in the past, but she was once my manager when I returned to work as an adjunct faculty member for the institution. Hailey was really WOWed by that information. She continued the conversation by asking me to update my profile to include my recommenders. She mentioned if the employer selected me for the next round of interviews, she would like to have the recommendations in the system. Hailey suggested that maybe Shelia could even be one of my recommenders. We both chuckled at the irony of it all. Hailey also let me know that her co-worker who recruited Shelia had informed Shelia that I too was a candidate for the position. As soon as I ended the call with Hailey, my first call was to Shelia. When Shelia didn’t answer my call, I thought she had to be busy, so I would wait for her to return my call. The next day, I sent her a text saying “Hey Lady! Give me a call when you get a chance.” I was anxious and excited to talk to her about our new shared experience. Here we were, two Black women, as two of the three candidates chosen to interview for this position. I thought, even if I didn’t get the position, Shelia may get it. At least one of us would be in the door. Heck, I wasn’t even looking for a new position when Hailey contacted me. And as far as I knew – neither was Sheila. During our most recent chat, she mentioned she was incredibly happy in her new position, and she planned to stay put for a while. A couple of days passed by. I had not heard from Shelia nor Hailey. I wasn’t too worried about it. Though I did think it was a tad bit strange. Hailey had been super excited to get the interview scheduled. Had the potential employer changed their mind without even talking to me? I decided not to stress about it. I was already blessed and happy in my current position. Well later that day, Hailey contacted me. She provided the date and time of my interview. She said she was delayed because the potential employer took a couple of days to respond to her. She also let me know that my LORs had been received and my file was complete. My first interview with the potential employer was virtual. During the interview Hailey was the host of the virtual call. Though she didn’t participate in the Q&A. She was present throughout the interview. It was a panel interview that lasted 45 minutes. When the interview ended, I thought I did well. I answered all of the questions and was not stomped by anything presented. The interview seemed less like an interview and more like a conversation. Before I could complete my thoughts, my phone rang. It was Hailey calling. She sounded even more excited than she was when I was selected for the interview. She stated though she did not ask the interviewers what they thought about my interview, she thought I did phenomenal. She was so impressed that she said she wished she had recorded it. She wanted to use my interview as a training tool for other applicants in the future. Hailey provided the next steps for her to follow-up with the employer and when I should expect to hear back from her. We ended the call on a good note. The next day, I realized I still hadn’t heard from Shelia. At this point, this was beyond strange. I not only called her, but I also sent a text as well. I checked to make sure my text didn’t bounce back. It had not. I started to send a follow-up text. But decided not to. Maybe Shelia was just busy. She may not have even accepted the interview for this position. I reminded myself that her life didn’t revolve around mine and I needed to just chill. Later that day Hailey called me back. It was quicker than expected. She let me know that I was chosen for the next and final round of interviews. Yes, interviews with an “s.” There would be a total of three more interviews. Two on the same day and the final one on a different day. She went on to say, the employer had minimized their selection to me and SHELIA. Hailey said “Congratulations to the both of you for making it to the final round! Shelia seems just as excited about this opportunity as you!” My initial thought was “Who seems what?” But I verbally thanked Hailey and we ended the call. I now had confirmation that Shelia was indeed fine, and she was still a part of the hiring process for this position. Storytime…
When I first changed careers from a manager in real estate, I accepted a role as a program manager in higher education. While I had limited classroom experience as an educator, I had years of experience as a corporate trainer and manager. Thus, my transition into this new management role was great. I was responsible for the hiring and training of two groups of instructors, business and general education. I found that while I was able to find full-time business instructors, it was more challenging to place full-time general education instructors. Most people who taught general education courses also had full-time jobs in their fields. I loved that they continued to work in their fields, as they were able to add real world, real-time experience to the education environment. I only had one full-time general education instructor. She was so eager to learn and always available to do more. My third year as the program manager was the start of me drafting my dissertation. I had returned to school to complete my doctorate degree. I let it be known that I planned to step down from management so I could concentrate more on my writing. The one full-time general education instructor was the first to ask that I groom her to fill my position when it opens. I was more than willing. I even “inspired her to return to school and finish her doctorate as well. So, I groomed her over the next few months and then made my transition. I actually ended up resigning from the position and the institution. The instructor I groomed for my position got the job! Let’s call her Shelia moving forward. After I resigned, Shelia and I agreed to stay in touch. We exchanged numbers when I was her manager. We also connected on professional social media platforms. We text each other updates on our new career choices. We even had lunch a few times and would talk on the phone on occasion. I genuinely enjoyed our conversations. She was always inspiring and often talked about career growth. I was always rooting her on. She was the first person I knew professionally who would openly say she wanted to see other Black women win – no matter who around to hear her. Two years later, Sheila and I both completed our doctorate degrees. She completed hers in the spring term and I finished that summer. We continued to celebrate each other. Soon thereafter, Sheila applied for and obtained a new position within the company. She was now over the general education program for all of the institutions’ locations. I was so happy for her and proud of her. She was a rising Black woman winning in her career growth. I even went back and worked as an adjunct instructor on Sheila’s team. One day she called me and said she needed an emergency hire to fill a position. She said I was her first call because she knew I was qualified to teach the class. Of course, I accepted the position. I was helping a professional friend with a need, while also earning some extra income. It was a win-win for both of us. It was funny how I was now a direct report to someone I once managed. We would both chuckle about it. Now that we were working together again, we would have lunch more frequently. During one of these lunch meetings, Sheila confided in me that she was looking for a new position outside of the company. She felt as though she had reached the ceiling there. I voiced my support and told her if she needed any help, let me know. She stated she needed a letter of recommendation (LOR) from me as she had already been scheduled for an interview. When I made it home from work that day, I drafted and sent her the LOR. As her former manager of three years, I knew enough to write her an amazing letter. I even sent her a copy in case she wanted me to modify it. She was pleased with the details and asked that I forward it directly to the potential employer. I did so without hesitation. She didn’t get that position, but it didn’t discourage Shelia from applying to other positions. I loved her determination. Several other LORs requests followed, and I more than happily obliged. After a year or more, she finally stopped applying for outside positions and decided to accept yet another position with the institution she was working for (the same one I left years before). In her new position she will no longer be my manager. We still agreed to stay in touch as we had built a strong professional relationship over the years. We often hear of kids who have daddy issues. Those issues can stem from their fathers being absent part of OR all of their life. Some kids don’t even know who their fathers are. Then those kids grow up to be adults. Those adults very often experience long term trauma behind those issues. Yet the unspoken parental trauma (which is sometimes ignored) are the issues that are caused by mothers. All women who bear children do not have the skills to be proper mothers. There are some mothers that are just as neglectful as an absent father. There are also mothers who have abandoned their kids by allowing their parents to raise them or allowing the kids to raise themselves. But for some reason, in our community, this type of trauma is either ignored or not spoken of. Mama issues can be just as traumatic as his daddy issues.
Mothers who allow their children to be assaulted by their partners, family members and or friends are more awful than an any absent parent. Mothers who instruct their children not to report the assault. Mothers who teach their children to not discuss the assault with others in the family or at school are doing just as much damage to the child as the assailants. Some mothers are more concerned with their child telling others than they are of the assault and the long-term damage that will impact their child for life. The mothers who abandon their children are the ones who later expect those same children to accept them or help them. They act as though the years they spent away from those kids are supposed to just be forgiven. They often want to move on from that point forward. They don’t want to deal with the fact that they left the child. And when they do – it’s often someone else’s fault. They rarely take ownership of their choices that led up to the decision to leave the child. Now, as an adult, the child must forgive and move on. Just recently, I had a conversation with a young man in his mid-twenties who has “mama issues”. He has reconnected with his biological mother, but the relationship is not what he always dreamed it would be. Instead, she blames his grandmother for “taking him” and providing a better more stable life for him. She verbally attacks his grandmother (the mother he’s had his whole life) and he feels a way about it. Yet, he holds his tongue to show respect for his bio mom. He says she’s owed that respect because she birth him. I told him she’s not owed any more respect than what she gives. He should end any conversation with her when she’s being disrespectful. He also spoke about how when he has distanced himself from her, she falls victim, and her family members blame him for not connecting with her more. I asked what did he expect from the same family members who have pardoned and enabled her behavior all of these years? Now, he must make a decision to do what’s best for him. The trauma of it all is weighing heavy on him. He can start by not expecting his bio-mother to be that mother he always imagined she would be. Cause she just won’t ever be her, the mother he longed for. |
AuthorThe author of this blog decided to take her "abnormal" thoughts and opinions to the web. This will begin as a 30 day trial. Let's see where it goes. Archives
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