This Site is Dedicated to My Random Thoughts and Opinion
Reader Be Warned: My Opinion is NOT the "norm"
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So, I recently had a conversation with a loved one who told me that I would be a better person if I learned how to not hold grudges against people that have wronged me. I informed my love one that I do not hold grudges, I just remember. I remember what a person has said and done and I make sure I do not put myself in the position to allow that to be said or done to me again.
That is not a grudge - it's more like self-protection. I have never been able to understand how people forgive and forget so fast. They continue to be mistreated and fall victim to the same person(s), time and time again. I most definitely can and will forgive those that apologize for their wrongdoings AND I never forget what s/he is capable of doing again. You can fool me once - but the second time I am just the fool. I do not play the role of Fool very well, so I simply remember. The definitions for both terms as defined by Dictionary.com are below. grudge noun
verb
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When I was in my dating phase a few years ago, I ran across two guys that lived in two different states who happened to have the same logic of being a "hot commodity" on the dating market. Both of these men explained to me that they were a "hot commodity". They both were single black men who obtained a college education, gainfully employed, had no kids, never been married, did not live with their parents and had their own dependable ride.
I was very puzzled the first time I heard this explanation of how this labeled him as a "hot commodity". I thought all of these were characteristics and/or accomplishments of a grown ass man. I expressed that and was informed that it is not the characteristics and/or accomplishments of the average black man. So this, in turn made him a "hot commodity". By the second time I heard this, with the exact same explanation, I had to ask the second guy where he obtained this information. I asked was there a group for black males where this information was being shared. He laughed and told me "No, it's just known that the average black man does not have these qualities". Needless to say,over five years later, these two hot commodities are still sitting on the shelf with all of their qualities/characteristics/accomplishments. They are both still single black males who are educated, gainfully employed, have no kids, never been married, do not live with their parents (although one has a male roommate), and have a dependable ride. I think it's time they check their shelf life because a hot commodity doesn't stay on the shelf very long. Time is something that we can never regain. So I personally hate to have wasted time.
I feel as though my time is wasted when I invest in people and things that are counterproductive. I do not give my time to people that are negative, manipulative, deceitful, or purposefully petty. As each day, each month, each year passes by, I try to assure that I continue to invest my time appropriately. Even if it means cutting some people out. I also let go of unproductive activities. As I grow older, I improve my list of priorities. My goal is to eliminate all wasted time. If you are a natural giver then often times you give to much of your self without receiving much in return. This can be in relationships with mates, family members and friends. You can also give to much to employers.
I am a strong believer that if something continues to happen to you, then it is YOU. It is not the thing that continues to happen. It is not the same treatment that people give you no matter where you go - it is simply YOU! Most times it takes for you to be removed from one situation to see that, the something that happens continues to follow you. For instance, I could not understand how I could be such a dependable employee yet received so much flack from my superior. I thought it was just this one particular manager of 7 years but IT happened again at the next place of employment. At both places of employment, I managed my team well. My staff was always one of the top performing teams, internally and compared to competitors. Yet, my immediate supervisor would some how find an issue. The director of operations who I was under for 7 years would make little spiteful and demeaning comments about my level of education. He loved to let it be known that he didn't need a Master degree to be the top manager at the firm. Let's face it - he was a white male with a paralegal certificate who had somehow "earned" his position. I did not care about his education nor did I require assistance from him to manage my department. I am not sure why he was so focused on this young black girl's education level and always had to make a comparison. Hell, my department was the BEST performing department in the firm and lead the competition in the state of Tennessee. But somehow that was never good enough. I am a dedicated employee who leads by example and have always been complimented by those I supervise on my level of consistency and fairness. I will admit, sometimes it takes time for people to warm up to me and vice versa but once they understand me - everything goes well from there. In my last position I was told that I was an overachiever and while that was a good trait to have - the company could not "afford" for me to progress. My immediate supervisor did not know as much as I did and she needed my continued support. I am not sure if she was aware that that was more of a "slap to the face" than a compliment. I eventually resigned from the position and moved to another company. I learned a lot from these past 10 years in management. The most important thing I learned is not everyone appreciates an "overachiever". Some will actually hold you back to help support them. I also learned to do my job and go home. Too much support (or giving) - can limit your progression. So now, I follow my manager's lead. I complete my daily requirements and I go home. Nothing more and definitely nothing less. As parents, we must keep in mind the purpose of raising our kids. We are responsible for loving and protecting them. We are also responsible for teaching them and disciplining them. Children need guidance. That guidance starts at home. Teaching children that adults are to respect them first, adults are to bow down to them and/or they are not obligated to respect or obey an adult - will only hurt them in the future.
Eventually, our kids will be working adults. Some will be employees while others will be managers and owners. Either way they all will have to work with other people. If they are taught early on to only respect and obey the people that they only choose to - then they will have many more obstacles in life. Strong Personality or Bad ATTITUDE!
These two behaviors are sometimes interchanged when describing women. When a woman has a strong personality for some reason - she automatically has to have a bad attitude. Women with strong personalities are often stereotyped as angry and/or men. This especially happens in the workplace. This especially happens to strong black women. They are often are expected not to show emotion and most definitely should never show any vulnerability. Otherwise she is considered damaged or she has fallen weak. Women with strong personalities can't catch a break! Something that I find extremely annoying (pet peeve) is a person that blames any and everything for their status in life.
I get it! We are all not fed with a sliver spoon nor do we all have the same chance at this thing called life. But, the majority of us have the ability to change some of the things that "hold us back". If you are not physically or mentally disabled, then you are responsible for you and what happens to you. A lot of people "suffer" from things and people because they allow it. Now, I am not referring to social injustices and prejudices. That's all together something different. So, follow me here... I am referring to investing time and energy into people and things that have no value to that individual. A person that is always looking for a pity party and/or always blaming everyone else but themselves for their status - gets on my damn nerves. Get your ass up and do something different. No ONE owes you a handout. If you are very productive person then there is nothing more irritating than working with an unproductive person. At times, it is easier to just do it ALL yourself. I once had that sentiment, but with time - that has evolved. Yet, I still try not to spend much time with unproductive co-workers. I tend to think that characteristic can rub off (somehow). However, I make sure to do my part, and leave their part for them. If they do not get it done, then it will most definitely show. Now, don't confuse unproductive with lazy or trifling. Although some people posses all of these characteristics. The unproductive co-worker is usually the one that looks busy but never has any results to show. The unproductive co-worker spends time on finding ways to get out of performing or try to justify why something should not happen. I am sure you can think of one or two you have worked with. Sooooo.... Often times, people like to add God to the equation after the mess is made. Some like to say "God will not send you some one else's husband". Well, he also will not allow you to keep someone that he did not intend for you. I have never understood how God keeps sending some people multiple spouses. Maybe, just maybe - he is not sending every mate you get along with for a year (or more) to be your spouse. Some people are seasonal people - but you try to hold on to them for a lifetime. NOT every step parent wants to be deeply involved with raising their partner's kids from previous relationships. (Now, before you jump to conclusions, read the post in its entirety). I have been on both ends of the spectrum when it comes to my level of involvement. My level of involvement seems to have reduced from my prior relationship to my current one. There are lots of factors that make the situations TOTALLY different. I, for one, believe in supporting my partner. I am not trying to replace a parent, be a third parent or compete with a parent. I simply support my partner's needs to ensure he is the best father he can be. I do not build relationships with the mother, I do not co-parent with her and I definitely do NOT share her motherly duties/responsibilities. At the end of the day, it's their child and to avoid unnecessary conflicts, I limit my level of involvement. I simply can not assist with raising a child (or children) who is (are) being raised "differently". I will end with - Respect and Obedience isn't taught to everyone. The images on this post are from: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/5066618307814249/
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AuthorThe author of this blog decided to take her "abnormal" thoughts and opinions to the web. This will begin as a 30 day trial. Let's see where it goes. Archives
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