This Site is Dedicated to My Random Thoughts and Opinion
Reader Be Warned: My Opinion is NOT the "norm"
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"Nomadic people (or nomads) are people who move from one place to another, instead of living in one place." - Wikipedia
I recently had a conversation with someone who was reflecting on their childhood which included no stability. They were adamant to not repeat the same behavior with their children. Yet, they have already moved four times in the past two years. Believe it or not, some people move twice a year. Yes this nomadic behavior can occur in one city - from neighborhood to neighborhood with no true place to call home. I don't think parents know how much moving around some many times, impact their children. At some point they (the children) realize that they will not be stable in one place to long - so they may not form friendships, out of fear of not being able to maintain them. They wonder if they will ever have any stability. Will they stay anywhere long enough to truly call home? Usually, with address changes come new schools, new teachers, and new learning environments. With so much change and lack of stability - the learning process can be so much more difficult for the child(ren). I personally have always wanted my kids to have as much stability as possible. Once my kids are all grown up and have moved away, then I may move to another location (including state). We have been in out home over 13 years and they have had stability. Although our neighbors have changed over time, we find comfort in coming home. One thing for sure, if I do decide to move - my next move will be my final move. A nomadic lifestyle is most certainly NOT for me. People who lack home stability, usually lack stability in other facets of life, such as their career, relationships and overall commitment. Anyway - to each their own...
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We all know a person who is Mr. or Mrs. Always Right. Well, in my immediate family, I am that person. I even have the t-shirt with the slogan on it. Now, don't get me wrong, my percentage of rightness is about 90%. Yet, my family tends to not appreciate when I am right. However, I am not an "I told you so" person. But I do like to hear "You were Right". So, recently, I experienced a Mrs. Always Right, who was on another level. She even stated "I am usually always right". She just would not listen to anyone else - because she decided she was right. I became more of an observed participant in this setting. But, it caused me to think - Is it important to be "Always Right" or is it more important for each person to be heard during the conversation? At some point others will no longer feel free to communicate with you. I mean, what's the point? Let's face it - you're probably right! As I continue to work on relationships and communication skills - especially with the ones I love - I will take this into consideration. I will consider do I really need to be "right" in this situation or is it more important to have a conversation. My Godmother often says, "It's not the fact that you're right that bothers them, it's your delivery. At times you can make people feel so small or dumb for thinking the way that they do." The delivery part is a work in progress for me; and it has been a work in progress for years. I have made some progress, gracefully. I once heard, "The older you are, the wiser you become". Well that statement is certainly not true for everyone. There are some old idiots who have been practicing the same things for years. They have not grown wiser through education or experience. Some people even believe you must "obey" the words of older people because they are wiser. So NOT true! There are older people who have experienced things and know the outcomes of the experiences but will still advice a younger person to go through the same obstacle, to take the same path and "just hang in there". But, Why? Don't you think they would have learned from their experience to where they can give better "advice" or at least share their challenges and outcomes to allow the younger person to form their own decision. There are some old fools who exist. Who refuse to apply knowledge from lived experiences and who chose to remain ignorant. Yet, they believe their way is the best way. They even try to spread this foolishness to the next generation.
Don't you fall for this foolishness. Strive to do better. Strive to learn from your experiences and to apply knowledge. Leave the next generation with better role models. I try to surround myself with people who learn from their experiences - good and bad. I try to surround myself with people who love to grow, educate themselves and become enriched with a wealth of knowledge. I limit my time and conversations around foolish (unwise) people. I do not want their toxic thoughts to penetrate my thought process. Now, this doesn't mean I must agree with everyone around me - that's foolish thinking as well. It means when you know someone is a fool - stop fooling with them. If you haven't already done so - it's not to late to start today. com·pat·i·bil·i·ty
[kəmˌpadəˈbilədē] NOUN
OR, you may recall a teacher/trainer/coach/mentor that you simply could not build a connection with. Yet, this person was adored and loved by the masses. You may not have expressed your disconnect with this person - because you didn't want to seem like the "odd man out", but you just never had the connection or level or adoration as your peers. Well, the same holds true in relationships. (I'll quote myself here) "Everyone you are in a relationship with, who you happen to get along well together - is not meant to be your lifelong partner". Most definitely, God is not sending all of these mates to you to be your spouse. On the contrary, just because a person is not compatible with you long term, doesn't mean that person can not be a perfect match for someone else. The things that matter to you in relationship, at work, or in a learning environment does not always match with others. That doesn't make you or the other person better or worse. You're simply not compatible. The best thing you can do in situations that do not work for you - is to end them, quickly. There is no need to continue on in a relationship, in a position or in a learning environment where you have no compatibility. Staying longer just causes you more strive in the long run. What Doesn't Work for You may be GREAT for Someone Else! And that's quite okay! Have you reached your full potential? I know I have not! At least when it comes to my profession. And the older I get, the more worried I get that I will never reach my full potential. I have skills and assets that are of great value to any organization in which I am employed. I also have skills and assets that I could use to build my own business. However, building and sustaining a (truly) successful business is very time consuming.
The fear of not reaching my potential is REAL for me. There are so many things I want to accomplish Over the past few years, I have noticed a tremendous "growth" in my attitude. I do not find the need or desire to respond to everybody and everything. There once was a time, that I could slice someone with my tongue without even thinking about the words that came from my mouth. I usually didn't realize how bad the words would hurt those I spewed them at and I most certainly did not care. It took my Godmother, my children's father and my children themselves, to shine light on how cutting my words were to other people. When they would hear my vicious tongue lashes they would later call me out on them. Again, early on I did not care what damage my words would do to people because my harsh words were always given as a response. A response to someone else's words or actions that I felt - earned them the words that spewed from my mouth.
Then, I was able to experience this behavior first-hand. In the beginning I found it "interesting" and maybe even a bit comforting to know I was not the only person that exhibit this behavior (at its best). Although the person did not hurt me with his verbal attacks, I was able to see first hand how vicious words can be when he committed these attacks on others. When we had our "word battles" I would brush his word off and return with words even more harmful. After our encounters, I began to think of ways to harm him, even more, the next time around. I grew very competitive with going back and forth with this person. Then, over time, it became exhausting. The "excitement" and challenge of the word fighting was not interesting any more. It was brutal and our vicious words became extremely malicious. We both admitted that most of the verbal vicious tongue lashings were not always words we felt were true - most often, we knew/thought/HOPED the words would be very damaging to the person(s) on the receiving end. I finally decided I did not want to inflict this much pain on people anymore. Especially those whom I love. I prayed about it. I asked God to allow me to think before I spoke/responded - no matter who the person was and what they have said or done. It took practice and I failed at time. Other times, I would walk away from situations with a grin on my face and talking to the inner me, saying "Good job!" or "If only he/she knew that I could tear them down in less than 2 minutes"... Now, as time has passed, I see so much growth in my attitude. I don't NEED to respond to everybody and everything. I don't DESIRE to even let them see that side of me. Some would say I have grown to be more mature. I would say I have grown in the "IJDGAF" category. Either way, I think its positive growth. This week, the title of my posts include the day of the week in which they are posted. After seeing a few videos of women acting wacky over the weekend, I initially began to compose a post entitled "Wacky Women Wednesday". I had a few lines typed when I decided not to finish the post because it was too negative and would bring more attention to these already negative situations. So instead, I decided to title my post "What a Woman Wednesday". With as many wacky women there are in this world, there is an extremely substantial number of women who are WONDERFUL. There are even some women in this world that are nothing short of Wonder Woman. Being in their very presence makes you say "WHAT A WOMAN!".
So on this day that God introduced me into this world, I would like you to tell a wonderful woman in your life, just how great of a woman she is. Make sure you include details as to why you think she is wonderful. Don't assume that she knows just how wonderful she is to you. And if you already told her recently, then tell her again on TODAY! Imagine if paternity testing was completed on all children at birth. No matter the marital status of the couple, no matter if the father wants to consent and sign the birth certificate or any other circumstance for that matter. Imagine finding out as an adult that the man who had always been identified as your father was actually not your father. Now, imagine knowing who your birth parents are without a reason of doubt. For those men and women - who are not 100% certain if "HE" is the father - imagine all of those uncertainties going away. The testing should be private and the results sent to both tested parents, individually. Since that is not the case, there are many times were uncertainties exist for years (or even a lifetime). There are men who do not want to ask for the test - in fear of offending the mother. Then, there are women who would like to know for certain, but afraid to ask for a test - out of fear of being labeled or losing the man's support with raising the child. There are even children with doubts of who their parents are. Well, in my (unsolicited) opinion, all children should be given a paternity test at birth. If a man chooses to raise/support the child no matter the blood relation - then a paternity test should not change that. Also, once he commits to such and the mother allows him to sign for the child (as the father) he should have the natural rights as any other father without a chance of those rights being revoked in the future. It's not all about financial child support either. Men have been raising and financially supporting kids who are not biologically theirs since before Jesus was crucified/sacrificed. After-all, Joseph wedded a pregnant Mary and raised her son as his own. And women regularly raise non-biological children. I am sure there is at least one someone in your family who was not raised and supported by their biological parent(s). Instead, another relative (grandmother, aunt, uncle, cousin, sister, or brother) did so. I am sure if you think a bit deeper you have a relative in your family who is not blood related but has been around since as far as you can think back. They still are and always have been considered family. Paternity testing will not change any of that. But, mandatory paternity testing will give certainty for all children where an identified mother and father, exist. It's MONEY MAKING MONDAY! If you are stressed or even hate where you go to make your money, remember there is other money to be made at other places. Why settle with a job or career that you truly hate? You are in control of how and where you make your money. If you need more education to obtain the career you want - go get it! If you need experience to transition to a new position or career field - then go get it. Quit complaining every Monday about where you work and how miserable you are when YOU are not willing to do anything about it, but complain. Where does that get you? Let me remind you - YOU are in control of YOU. If you don't get the new job the first time - keep trying. Look for other opportunities. Only apply for jobs you are willing to accept and where you won't continue to be miserable. Don't transition from one miserable job to the next for a few extra bucks. Write down the details about your ideal job (position, location, work hours, desired salary, minimum acceptable salaries, benefits, paid time off, bonuses, etc.) Determine if you really like to work around or manage other people. If not - then find a position that requires you not to do so. It's important for you to know your needs, wants and desires. After identifying these things - add the level of priority (low, medium, high). For example, my husband and I both like to travel, we like to date often, and we truly ENJOY our free time. Therefore, we both prefer careers where we do not spend more than 40 hours per week. We have the option to take seasonal, contract, part-time jobs or volunteer work as we desire - but we are not willing to sacrifice our time in a career that requires mandatory overtime or unlimited hours. He's often referred to positions at companies where he can receive a higher salary. But that higher salary comes with a lot of time we are just not willing to give up. A few years ago, I changed my career field because I wanted to go into the field I plan to retire from. I wanted to obtain a career that I truly enjoy having. I no longer desired to work in the real estate industry. Although the salary, bonuses and perks were nice - that industry was not the career I wanted to retire from. I know I could increase my salary by 30k or more if I returned today, but I am not willing to sacrifice my desire to empower, enrich and educate - just to pad my pockets. I truly get joy in the job I do and I am a rising leader in my new career. I know where I am now is only the beginning. It's no longer a long painful drive to work. I look forward to my Money Making Monday. I look forward to working my 37.5 hours per week, with a salaried paycheck, with great benefits, with perks, with paid time off, with other administrative days off, no required "make-up days", the potential to have bonuses and the opportunity to work part-time jobs - as I desire. I have the opportunity to work with people and I have opportunities to work alone. In my position I have a great deal of autonomy and flexibility. Now, I am only looking up from here. You can achieve the same and MORE. Don't settle. Write it down, then take the steps you need to complete to make your transition. Stop allowing excuses to get in your way. You should want to retire from a position in a field that YOU enjoy. For a bit of motivation - check out this video entitled MONEY MAKING MONDAY. Jada Pinkett started her Red Table Talk series with a special guest, her husband's ex-wife, and they discussed their blended family. They didn't try to make the story all glitz and glamour. They discussed the beginning, the turning point and the actions they took to make the blend work.
Mashonda, Swizz Beatz ex-wife, has written a book on her experience with him and Alicia Keys to make their blend work. Just recently, Neo's ex-wife, Monyetta Shaw, invited his new wife to their son's school to surprise him for his birthday. Their son was overjoyed to see his "bonus Mom" there. Of course, with these stories being shared on social media and through other media outlets, there has been a lot of talk about the need for ALL families where stepchildren exist, to blend. As a person who is a true BONUS MOM to my oldest son, I can truly see the importance of building that relationship with the child. No matter your opinion or feelings of their biological parent, the love for that child is immeasurable. Yet, my experience as a bonus mom did not include blending the family with his birth mom. She was absent and it probably made the process easier for me - yet still painful for him. I have never been able to explain her absence to him. I have never been able to justify her absence mentally. But, while he lived under my roof, I made sure not to bash her. When he had his moments, when he questioned her absence - I would tell him, she LOVES you, everybody just doesn't express their love the same way. His Dad and I would tell him the same story about his mom protecting him when he was a baby. She tripped down a flight of steps with him in her arms and she made sure to sacrifice her body to protect him. She was somehow able to turn in mid-air landing on her back and he never touched the ground. That story (which I first heard from his Dad) and happily repeated to him, would somehow make things better in his moments of doubt. He is an adult now. He and his birth mom has been able to build some type of relationship, which I do not question him about or give my unsolicited opinion to him. Their relationship does not impact my bond with him and he will always recognize me as his (bonus) Mom. I love him wholeheartedly. NOW, let's get back to this blended family thing where these families are taking vacations together, spending holidays together and spending other considerable time together. Yes, I can see the LOVE it shows to the kid. Yes, I understand that my spouses' kid(s) deserve love, attention and time - just as much as my kids. Yes, I know my spouse probably can't spend as much time with his kid(s) as the mom when he is not the custodial parent. Yes, he would like to spend more time with his kids. BUT, I do not agree that a blended family is necessary or even achievable in all situations where stepchildren exist. Blended families can only work when all adults have a healthy relationship. There can't be any malice, deceit or manipulation going on. I am one who does not allow negative energy in my space. Let's face it, Oil CAN NOT blend with water. Never have and never will. KUDOS to those who can achieve this blend for the sake of the kids. For those who aspire to blend your families, keep in mind your blend doesn't have to look exactly like Will's and Jada's or the other celebrities listed. You do not have to go on vacations together and spend holidays together. Don't let the pressures of society or the desire to meet other people's relationship goals - force you into something your heart and mind truly can't handle. You can only fake the love for so long. For those who can not achieve the blend or have no desire to blend your family - you are fine. Everyone isn't "blendable". No matter where you stand: Your family dynamic is yours. You and your spouse should be on one accord on how you handle these situations. Your decision to blend or not to blend doesn't give you any more or less "brownie points". |
AuthorThe author of this blog decided to take her "abnormal" thoughts and opinions to the web. This will begin as a 30 day trial. Let's see where it goes. Archives
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